So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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