I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
