An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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