took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
