Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He passed out mid-signature
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
