fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I think i got beer on your cat.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
