My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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