I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
