I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
