Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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