Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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