I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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