I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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