Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
