First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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