I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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