I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Blood and glitter go together right?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
