Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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