I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
