ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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