I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
