i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
