I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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