Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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