Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
