its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
