If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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