The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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