if you like me you must not know who I am
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
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