Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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