Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
