Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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