i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
