I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
where does the pee come out of this thing
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
