Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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