you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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