Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
