Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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