I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
