I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
