He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I didn't notice because vodka
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
