How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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