It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Farmville is her only friend.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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