Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
