she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
