Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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