i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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