Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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