so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
