her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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