Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
