Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
