I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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