Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
